Paying it Forward

I marked the end of my cancer treatment with the removal of my port back in October. More-so than my last treatment on October 4, that port coming out was the final step that officially put my cancer battle behind me. In a lot of ways it's surreal to be on the other side. For 16 months, so much of my mental and physical energy was consumed with a balance work, motherhood, a relationship (until we parted ways in July), and a cancer battle. When suddenly cancer was over, I realized just how much of my life "cancer" had affected. Living life post-cancer looks a lot different than it did pre-cancer. My priorities have shifted. How I spend my time has changed. How I view relationships has changed. It's accurate to say that much of my outlook on life has been altered by cancer, in all the right ways. :) 

One thought I have often is how thankful I am for God's absolutely perfect timing.  In December 2022, I had left my job of 10 years. I was working as a substitute teacher for the spring of 2023 making a low wage and, for the first time in my adult life, I had no health insurance. I was living on my savings while I was trying to find work. It was an incredibly stressful time in my life. As I was trying to find a job I remember praying asking God to preserve my health while I was uninsured. The last thing I wanted was to put my family in a bind because of my health while I had no job and no insurance. I was offered my current job that spring after just a few months of substitute teaching. I was diagnosed three months later, in June. That whole time I was looking for a job and had no health insurance I also had cancer.....I just didn't know it. I was diagnosed once I had a job with decent health coverage that also had a policy which allowed me to take off as much time as I needed-paid-for treatment; something I didn't have in my previous job. God's perfect timing. 

Before my most recent surgery I totaled up everything MD Anderson billed to my insurance company. It totals over 1.4 million dollars. And let me repeat: that was BEFORE my most recent surgery which was November 22, 2024. ONE MILLION FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. I had an aggressive cancer, but it was fairly "easy" and "cheap" in the realm of cancer treatment. I have a friend who's mother needed treatments for her cancer that were billed one million dollars PER TREATMENT. Why do I bring this up? Because the American healthcare system is broken, and it's heartbreaking. But I am so incredibly blessed. I am a single woman who had family and friends who were willing to generously give in order to help stay out of medical debt because of this cancer. They supported me out of the goodness of their heart with no expectation of anything in return, just as Jesus tells us to. Some of them even donated completely anonymously. There is no "medical debt forgiveness" in America. Medical debt can be completely crushing. I am forever grateful for those who bought t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, bracelets, sent Doordash giftcards, brought meals, gave to the Gofundme, sent checks, sent gifts, cards, notes, texts, and other encouragements so I wouldn't be crushed. All of them were so appreciated, and most of them made me cry tears of gratitude. 

I also want you to know, I'm the kind of girl who "pays it forward." People you don't know are already being blessed because you blessed me.

Thank you, again, so much. Merry Christmas.

Currently Most Annoying...

Current side effects that are the most annoying which I am so glad to say bon voyage to:

• Constant runny nose. And by constant I mean constant. Every minute of every day.
• Sore elbows. Such a random joint to always hurt.
• Sparse eyebrows. I only have about 1/3 of my normal amount of eyebrow hair. Sure hope that grows back.
• Mucus in my stool. Sorry, that's gross. But this is where I'm authentic, right? (Which goes along with annoyance #1 in the list...overactive mucus membranes in my entire body.)
• Constant itch, mostly in my arms. Today I scratched at the gym so much that I made my hand bleed. Embarrassing.
• The constant feeling of needing to pee because of an inflamed lining of the bladder. 

That is all...

Car Shows and Hair Tips

I'm now two weeks out from my final treatment. I still have side effects; it will probably take about a month for me to notice the side effects to begin to taper off. I can say this though: I have so much more energy right now than I did even during the summer, and it's great! I feel this urge to do ALL the things to make up for the 14 months of cancer treatments. No, I wasn't super ill, but I was SO very fatigued. Since I worked the whole time I had treatment, I was exhausted every weekend. I still did fun things with the kids, but we stayed home a lot more than my Enneagram 7 personality usually likes. I simply didn't have the stamina to work all week and go out and do other things. So now that I feel better, we're on the go. And it's wonderful. 

Today Sarah and I indulged Jack by going to a car show. This kid loves cars. He comments on every awesome car or "truck" he sees. He was in heaven today. Also, to his credit, Jack has been giving me all his short hair tips. Today was a great hair day, thanks to the hair tips I get from my 17 year old.

Ship's Victory as I Leave Port

In Biblical times, when women named their children, the name they chose was usually a reflection of the path their life had taken and/or how they felt in their relationship with God at the time of their pregnancy/childbirth. 

For example, Sarah named Isaac because she had laughed when God told her she'd have a child in her old age. She was 90, had been trying to have a child for decades, and was probably at the end of her rope. When a glittering angel came to her and made another promise to her, I imagine her laughing out of sarcastic exhaustion; perhaps thinking "Yeah, right. Why would I believe that now, still, after all these years" followed by a sarcastic, flippant laugh. Hence the name Isaac. "One who laughs."

On the flip side, Hagar named her son Ishmael. "God hears." She was Sarah's maid (slave), sent by Sarah to have a child with Abraham when God was proving too slow for Sarah's timeline. Hagar was an Egyptian woman, likely decades younger than Sarah. She had no knowledge of who this Hebrew God was before being purchased into Abraham's household. When God saw Hagar's treatment by Sarah, he came to her and comforted her. He promised her the son she bore would become a great nation. In her greatest time of need, Hagar felt seen, heard, and loved-likely for the first time in years. Hence the name Ishmael. "God hears."

Today, as I sit in a cafe in Houston on the first morning of what we call our "False Fall" (a gorgeous, cool fall morning before we get slapped with the last heat wave of the year), I am reflecting on the meaning of my name. In modern times, we don't usually name our children with the meaning in mid; my mom saw my name in the newspaper and loved it and that's how I became a "Kelsey." I chose the name "Jack" because it was traditional and strong. I chose the name "Sarah" because it was traditional and beautiful, and the fact that it was a Biblical name was a bonus. But today, a day that I am officially calling the close of my battle with breast cancer, I am thinking about the names we give our children.

The name "Kelsey" has both British and Irish origin. It comes from an Old English name which means "Ship's Victory" and another form of the name combines Irish and English tradition and means "Fierce Island."  When my mom named me, she probably didn't know these meanings of my name. And she probably didn't have an inkling of the battles I would face, and the victories I would win. She probably also didn't know how fierce I would be, and that-in a way-I would be an island.....spending much of my adult life as a single parent. 

I have now been divorced for longer than I was married, and I've been a single parent for longer than I was a married one. I am strong and capable, and I would agree that I am fierce. I would also agree that I am a ship-sometimes sailing on calm seas, but often being battered by wind, storms, and even war. The beauty of that, though, is that the ship has-time and again-come out victorious.

In modern times, do we name our children with the meaning in mind? Usually not. Do we name them with our relationship with God at the forefront? Again, usually not. But in His omnipotence, I would venture to say that God chooses our names for our parents, with our lives in mind. There is strength in our names, grit built into them that fortifies us for what we will face. At least that has been the case with my name, and for that I am grateful. 

I had my port-a-cath removed today. This was the implanted device that delivered my chemo and immunotherapy directly into my bloodstream when I had treatments.

You can see my two scars here, one (on the left) from the first port that got infected and was removed in September of last year. The bump on the right near the gown's edge under the second scar is where the port is located.

I wanted to take it home but they wouldn't let me. Haha. A picture with my hand for size reference is all I could get. :) 

As I walked out this morning, my eyes fell on the sign on the hospital. Their slogan is: "MD Anderson. Making cancer history." Praying that is the case for me and the people I love.

Ride the Wave

My hair is growing back like a wave. I have no idea if this is just how my hair has always been, or if I'm going to have some curl when it gets longer. But for real guys....the front looks a wave about to make a perfect curl that would be any surfer's dream. Be jealous.

I've included two photos, one styled with product and one without, so you can try to catch my vibe. 

And seriously.....can we SEE those lashes and brows?? Almost fully grown back in 2 months thanks to Revitalash products!

(Wearing bigger earrings and my glasses with shorter hair was harder to get used to than I thought it would be.)

I'm getting tons of compliments on my hair....both that it looks cute and that people are surprised that it's so dark!! I had everyone fooled into thinking I was a true California blonde. So, Melinda.....great job on my blonde.  You had everyone fooled! Haha. 

The insecure girl in me can't decide if people are complimenting me because they feel bad for me or because they truly like the hair. Jury is still out on that. I like it MOST of the time, but I have my moments where I still feel like a "cancer patient." My melanoma screening was negative, thank God, so I don't consider myself a cancer patient. I am a cancer FREE patient who gets preventative maintenance every 3 weeks.

I also went a few weeks ago and got my nose re-pierced. The piercing grew closed in October when they made me remove it for my second port placement. I had only had it since the preceding March, and it closed in the 4 hours I had it out. I was SO upset by that. It felt like cancer had taken another piece of "me" and I was MAD. I was going to wait until all this is over to get it again, but then realized there was no sense in that. If it grows closed again, I'll just keep going back in to get it shoved back through. I'm keeping this part of me and not letting it go again.

I've begun to feel so much better over the last couple of weeks. More like my old self. Work and life are SO much easier when you don't feel like poo all the time, and I'm so grateful. I still have days where the side effects of the medicine affect me, but those days are becoming more manageable. 

I'm tired. It's been a long, tough school year for more reasons than just the cancer. I'm looking forward to Spring Break next week as a true break; my first one in quite a while. I have a few appointments next week to do some scans ahead of my reconstruction. Those scans will be the deciding factor on whether or not I'm a candidate for the flap reconstruction. Prayers that I have good blood vessels would be appreciated!

Back to the Rat Race

There's not much of a pause in life these days. After finishing chemo and having my DMX, it was right back to work and life. On one hand, that's a good thing. Getting back into routine is always helpful, no matter your age or lifestyle. But have you ever come back from a busy weekend trip and felt like you needed a weekend to get over your weekend? Or a vacation to recover from a fast-paced vacation? That's similar to how I feel these days. It's been good to get back into routine, but I need a break from my past 8 months. It's been emotionally, physically, mentally, and professionally exhausting to navigate life with a cancer diagnosis. Spring break will be a welcomed week. Yes, I have several doctor's appointments for infusions and CT scans to prepare for my next surgery. But maybe I can also go to the beach, or to a fun new coffee shop, or to a state park to walk the dog. Something to get a reprieve from this current life stage.

The last few weeks I've been getting caught up on checkups that I've neglected due to the fact I'm always at MD Anderson. I've had a checkup with my PCP, a skin check with the dermatologist and in a couple of days I'll finally go to the dentist. The doctor removed a spot today on my back....she mentioned the possibility of melanoma....but it felt a little like listening to the squawking of the teacher on Charlie Brown. I let the thought squawk in and out of my ears and didn't let any fear settle in my heart.  I'll deal with that if it comes. Right now I'm going to watch my daughter practice the sport she loves on benches that make my ass go numb like all the other parents. Today I'm just a normal working mom. :) 

Ghostwriter

I want to thank Lisa Keefauver today.  I have never met her, now have we spoken.  But she might as well be my ghostwriter. I was sent this link by a dear friend who has seen my battle. She said "It's as if you write this." She was right. Every sentiment recorded here could have been typed by my fingers. Today, I thank Lisa Keefauver for putting words to how it feels to be on the back side of a cancer diagnosis....for the days when you're not all better yet.

In Honor of the "Not All Better Yet" Days