Ride the Wave

My hair is growing back like a wave. I have no idea if this is just how my hair has always been, or if I'm going to have some curl when it gets longer. But for real guys....the front looks a wave about to make a perfect curl that would be any surfer's dream. Be jealous.

I've included two photos, one styled with product and one without, so you can try to catch my vibe. 

And seriously.....can we SEE those lashes and brows?? Almost fully grown back in 2 months thanks to Revitalash products!

(Wearing bigger earrings and my glasses with shorter hair was harder to get used to than I thought it would be.)

I'm getting tons of compliments on my hair....both that it looks cute and that people are surprised that it's so dark!! I had everyone fooled into thinking I was a true California blonde. So, Melinda.....great job on my blonde.  You had everyone fooled! Haha. 

The insecure girl in me can't decide if people are complimenting me because they feel bad for me or because they truly like the hair. Jury is still out on that. I like it MOST of the time, but I have my moments where I still feel like a "cancer patient." My melanoma screening was negative, thank God, so I don't consider myself a cancer patient. I am a cancer FREE patient who gets preventative maintenance every 3 weeks.

I also went a few weeks ago and got my nose re-pierced. The piercing grew closed in October when they made me remove it for my second port placement. I had only had it since the preceding March, and it closed in the 4 hours I had it out. I was SO upset by that. It felt like cancer had taken another piece of "me" and I was MAD. I was going to wait until all this is over to get it again, but then realized there was no sense in that. If it grows closed again, I'll just keep going back in to get it shoved back through. I'm keeping this part of me and not letting it go again.

I've begun to feel so much better over the last couple of weeks. More like my old self. Work and life are SO much easier when you don't feel like poo all the time, and I'm so grateful. I still have days where the side effects of the medicine affect me, but those days are becoming more manageable. 

I'm tired. It's been a long, tough school year for more reasons than just the cancer. I'm looking forward to Spring Break next week as a true break; my first one in quite a while. I have a few appointments next week to do some scans ahead of my reconstruction. Those scans will be the deciding factor on whether or not I'm a candidate for the flap reconstruction. Prayers that I have good blood vessels would be appreciated!

Back to the Rat Race

There's not much of a pause in life these days. After finishing chemo and having my DMX, it was right back to work and life. On one hand, that's a good thing. Getting back into routine is always helpful, no matter your age or lifestyle. But have you ever come back from a busy weekend trip and felt like you needed a weekend to get over your weekend? Or a vacation to recover from a fast-paced vacation? That's similar to how I feel these days. It's been good to get back into routine, but I need a break from my past 8 months. It's been emotionally, physically, mentally, and professionally exhausting to navigate life with a cancer diagnosis. Spring break will be a welcomed week. Yes, I have several doctor's appointments for infusions and CT scans to prepare for my next surgery. But maybe I can also go to the beach, or to a fun new coffee shop, or to a state park to walk the dog. Something to get a reprieve from this current life stage.

The last few weeks I've been getting caught up on checkups that I've neglected due to the fact I'm always at MD Anderson. I've had a checkup with my PCP, a skin check with the dermatologist and in a couple of days I'll finally go to the dentist. The doctor removed a spot today on my back....she mentioned the possibility of melanoma....but it felt a little like listening to the squawking of the teacher on Charlie Brown. I let the thought squawk in and out of my ears and didn't let any fear settle in my heart.  I'll deal with that if it comes. Right now I'm going to watch my daughter practice the sport she loves on benches that make my ass go numb like all the other parents. Today I'm just a normal working mom. :) 

Ghostwriter

I want to thank Lisa Keefauver today.  I have never met her, now have we spoken.  But she might as well be my ghostwriter. I was sent this link by a dear friend who has seen my battle. She said "It's as if you write this." She was right. Every sentiment recorded here could have been typed by my fingers. Today, I thank Lisa Keefauver for putting words to how it feels to be on the back side of a cancer diagnosis....for the days when you're not all better yet.

In Honor of the "Not All Better Yet" Days

Cancer Free is the Way to Be

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted!  Right now I'm sitting in my bed at MDA receiving my "immunotherapy," which I describe in this video.  But yay.....my chemo was a great success! All of the cancer cells in my breast were killed by the chemo.  Best case scenario!! Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement and help you've been on this road.  

I'm posting two videos today, so scroll down and watch "Early Morning Thoughts" before watching this video if you care about sequential order haha.  (Oh, and in the video below I say it's January 9th.  It's definitely January 10th haha.)

Early Morning Thoughts

Let's Talk About Hair Baby......

(Hopefully you just heard Salt-N-Pepa in your head when you read that.....)

It's almost impossible for me to explain or dissect the complex emotions and experiences that come with a cancer diagnosis. I'm going to try really hard to articulate the one of the challenges: hair.

When I was first told I'd have to undergo chemotherapy, I knew losing my hair would be tough. But I really thought I'd hurdle the obstacle pretty easily and move on down the road.  I didn't think I'd be comfortable "rocking the bald," but I DID think I'd do just fine with some cute hats and head-wraps. I. Was. Wrong. 

Losing my hair has been one of the hardest parts of this diagnosis for me.  There are a lot of reasons why.  Some of them may make sense to you, and some may not.  You might read this and be certain that, in my shoes, you would feel differently.  I want to challenge you not to make that type of determination.  Just like with anything else, until it happens to you, you just don't know how you'll react or respond.

Part of me wonders if it would have been easier to adjust to if it had all fallen out at once.  My hair hung on for a really long time.  I was over half way through chemo (right after Race for the Cure) before it started to fall out.  Some people lose it quickly and in clumps, and shave their head within a few weeks of hair loss starting.  Mine fell out gradually and more evenly, so instead I did the pixie, for fun, and waited for enough to be gone to shave it.  But that never really happened.  I still have about 20-40% of my hair.  My hairline has moved back about an inch and it's thinner on the top than the sides. I have an almost bald spot on my left side, which is the side I usually sleep on.  And today, 2.5 weeks after my last dose of chemo, it's still shedding.  I thought about shaving it the week of Thanksgiving, but decided against it.  

Also, cancer treatment (chemo specifically) changes SO much of how you look.  There were days in this process that I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.  Chemo causes you to swell, so your face and eyes look puffy.  So much so that I have to put my mascara on at work to give my eyes a chance to lose their puffiness before I applied it. It dries you out, so all of your skin appears drier and you can see more fine lines and wrinkles. I was anemic for most of my treatment, which causes you to be more pale.  On top of that, your hair falls out.  It becomes so difficult to see the person you were just a few weeks previously when you look in the mirror. 

People also look at you and treat you different when they can tell you have cancer. You get stares in the grocery store or a restaurant and everyone you know (with good intentions) asks how you're doing and how you're feeling.  The more hair you lose, the more often they ask.  Don't misunderstand: I'm thankful for the empathy and kindness of the people around me. This may not make sense, but some days I just want to forget I have cancer.  But, when you're almost bald, it's hard for yourself or the people around you to forget.  

Gradually since Thanksgiving, I've become more comfortable with it.  Starting in early November, I wore a headband or a hat every day.  The first week back to work after the holiday, I wore a hat M-Th  A fun, Christmas themed beanie or a felt hat.  The hats really bother me though, mostly because I'm not used to having something on my head every minute of every day. On Friday that week, I wore a thick headband.  That brings us to this week.  Yesterday, another thick headband.  But today, for the first time in about a month, I came to work with nothing on my head.  Today I'm me.  Yep, my hair looks a lot like my Dad's.  HAHA!  Receding hairline and thin.  But right now, it's me.  My students don't notice or comment; to them I'm just silly, funny Ms. Mattheis like any other day.  The only comment I got from a coworker today was "I know that's probably hard, and I'm proud of you."

I'm sure these feelings will continue to evolve over the next several weeks, and I'm surrrrrrre that losing my breasts will add in another layer to all this.  So stay tuned.  But for now, all I can say is that today, I'm less swollen.  My skin is brighter as my red blood cell count rebounds post-chemo.  My eyes are a little less puffy.  I look more like myself.  Just with less hair.  Today is a good day.

This photo was taken on October 5 with my friend Emily as we both had chemo together.  I had barely started to lose hair at this point.

The next day at Race for the Cure

After the pixie.  You can see here how puffy I am compared to a few weeks before.

It was this photo that made me realize how far my hairline had moved.  I never pinned my bangs back again after seeing this picture.

These next 3 are hard for me to post.  But for the sake of full transparency, here we go.  I took these a few days ago:

It continues to shed, so it's a little thinner now than it was in these pictures.  But for now, it's me.  I'll be glad to see some new growth, hopefully within the next month or so.  Who knows....maybe my new hair will be blond and I won't have to pay money to look like this again:

Life These Days

Take a few minutes and watch this video to the end.  This, my friends, is what my life feels like.  Every. Single. Day.  I'm not unique, though.  We all feel like Brock at different times in our lives.  

Thank you to all the friends and family who crawl on the field with me, yelling in my ear: Keep driving.  Keep going till you have nothing left.  Don't quit on me.  Your very best.  There you go, 10 more.  5 more.  Keep going. I know it hurts, keep going. You can, you can!! *all the tears*