Harbinger

Today was a big day. Today, I got to “ring the bell,” which is done by patients at the end of their chemo treatment. My nurse today told me that not everyone chooses to ring the bell. We all have our own walk down this scary road when we’re faced with cancer. We all try to walk the road the best we can, in a way that is true and authentic to us. To some people, that means they choose not to ring the bell. But I’ll tell you this: that ain’t me. I rang the ever lovin’ shhhh*ttttt out of that bell. Three hard clangs followed by the applause of my man, my nurses, and patients on the floor. But why did I choose to ring it, when others don’t? Why did it feel authentic and true to be able to ring that bell today? I’ll tell you:

Twice when I’ve been at chemo I’ve heard someone else ring the bell. One time I cheered and clapped along with the other patients and nurses. I also teared up a little because the end of my own Chemo Road felt so far away. The second time, I didn’t clap. I was sad and having a bad day. I teared up, still wondering if I would ever feel close to the end of the road. Each time the bell rang in my hearing, though, and silence returned to the chemo floor, I was reminded of something. Everyone on the floor who hears the bell is receiving proof that there is an end to the road, even if it feels like you can’t see it in the haze of your own experience. 

Years ago, a pastor at my church prayed over me. In the prayer, he called me a “harbinger of hope.” Harbinger is a word I had never heard before, so I looked it up. It’s a person or thing that announces the approach of something else. My pastor was telling me that I was someone who was to go before others and announce the coming of hope. To this day, I get chills when I think about it. What a calling, what a gift. 

After I rang the bell, I told my nurses through tears the reason I had chosen to do it. I said “Twice when I’ve been here I’ve heard this bell, and twice it’s reminded me that there would be an end to this. I wanted everyone on the floor today to hear it and be reminded that there’s an end to their Chemo Road.”

As I sat down to type this (on a road trip to Fredericksburg) the words “harbinger of hope” echoed in my brain and gave me chills. Without realizing it, I rang the bell today as part of the calling God has on my life. My motivation to ring the bell was to announce the hope that is to come, that we can only get through faith and preserverance. What an honor to share that with my fellow csncer warriors today. 

Port access jacket!! Guys….get this for anyone you know who has to have a port. It’s amazing. You stay warm your entire treatment instead of having your shoulder hanging out of your shirt all day. 

A little teary after I rang the bell. 

David and I. Still a little teary.